journal [archive]

July 28, 2002
.4:34 PM
Is this it? What's the next chapter? i'm drifting aimlessly and I don't know where I'm going. My eyes are closed and I'm missing all the scenery. The worst part is I realize I'm doing this too. Old habits are so hard to break too. I just want a start fresh. Reset the score to 0. Go back to level 1 and do it over again - except this time do it right. I want to erase everything that's wrong. Please believe me when i say i'm trying.


July 27, 2002
.3:54 PM



My days at work are like a plate of nachos. It starts out good, but at the end, everything's just a big messy slop and I'm just too damn lazy to finish it. I'm noticing that I'm a bit of a morning person at work. I always come up with good ideas in the morning, while in the afternoon my brain is stuck in a lull. What I need is a mid -fternoon nap or some sort of mid-afternoon physical activity. I can see it now -- management enforced mandatory pushups at 3pm. I tend to take breaks on the company patio when things are going slow. The view is pretty shitty, but it feels so damn good to just zone out and look at the city from the 5th floor and just reflect for 10-15 minutes.



July 21, 2002
.1:11 PM
banana fanana popsicle


"woke up at eight, started a fire had a few drinks,
we all felt inspired jumped in the stream, our shoes and canteens
the water is bitter cold
laid in the raft till it started moving the current just sang,
the song was so soothing
we stopped along the way on a beach in the sun
on a beautiful day our boats collide,
we feel the breeze
we stay afloat and make the most of everything"

p.s. summerfest II pics are here


July 14, 2002
.2:25 AM
Just got back from Waterloo for arthur's birthday last night. Happy belated birthday, art. As promised, here are my pictures from the weekend.

Freddy also took tons of photos too.


July 13, 2002
.12:00 AM
Sometimes I wonder who actually reads my blogs. There are plenty of other blogs with so much better experiences than mine. Sometimes reading them makes me reflect on my life and I can't help but wonder if I'm just wasting time here. I get the feeling that everyone is having fun out there and I'm just slowly trying to catch up to what everyone is doing. Fuck that. Everyone seems to have their own story to tell. I wonder what my story to tell would be? Douglas Coupland once wrote (and i'm paraphrasing here) that each of us only have 3 or 4 stories to take with us in the afterworld. How do you know what makes the list and what doesn't? Do you pick stories that bring out everything good in your life? Or do you mix it with stories of happiness and stories of hurt and loss? Do you make your stories appeal to as many people as possible, or do you discuss intimate stories that only you and possibly your close friends know about? Do you talk about your cliched accomplishments or do you talk about the accomplishments of others? Do you write the stories in the third person or first person?

I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life right now. I'm trying to hide everything wrong that I did in the past and make things right from now on. It's a slow but necessary battle if I want to ever get anywhere in life. Fuck I hate change but sometimes it's for the best.


July 11, 2002
.12:34 AM
You know what I hate? Bloggers that brag about their own accomplishments all the time. This pisses me off. Seriously. There's tons of blogs where if you read/skim a person's blogs all they do is brag about their own accomplishments in every single entry. I should make my blog so it's exactly the opposite - brag about all my failures and everything I've done wrong. Boy would the list be huge.

Oh and one more thing: the spelling found on some blogs are just atrocious. I don't mind typos because i do them all the time. When people misspell even the basic words, it just reinforces the age old stereotype that technical people cannot spell or write effectively. I'm not claiming I'm a good writer. Not even close. I'm sure if you brought in an English major, they could probably spot a grammatical error in every single one of my sentences. There's no excuse for bad spelling. Really there isn't!


.12:28 AM
Lately I've been going to bed later and later everyday and waking up earlier and earlier. I've been meaning to go to bed earlier, but I can't convince myself to fall asleep earlier. So here I am. Insomnia. Very soon I'll be sleeping 4 hours a day. Scary. Even scarier is the fact that I haven't been feeling all that tired in the mornings. I look around me on the TTC and on the subway at the heads around me. Everyone is always dosing off on the way to and from work. It almost feels like a strange movie where I'm the only one who doesn't fit in because of the fact that I feel somewhat alert. Give it a few months. This naive optimism will likely fade.

Lately my mind has been at ease as well. I tend to be a chronic worrier and I hate it. It's one of those things you'd like to change but you can't because it's something that's inside your mind. The first week of work, I was super tense and supper worried about everything. Even the fucking commute to work! God damn. Maybe i've become accustomed to my surroundings and I'm taking things a little lighter now.

Work is still challenging as usual and I'm personally trying to get myself to make a big contribution during my first month at the company.

I seem to be jumping topics quite frequently at the moment. I think it's because it's getting late and my mind is wandering. All I can hear is the fan from the plaza next door buzzing. I didn't realize this before, but the noise is really quite loud. Now I know why my landlord lives on the other side of the townhouse in the smaller room --to avoid the buzzing fan. Blah. This sucks.


July 6, 2002
.8:25 PM
Today was a rather uneventful day. I went to bed late last night but still managed to wake up early even though I really didn't need to. I really wanted to sleep in and just dream some more. I woke up, watched the wimbeldon women's final, ate lunch, and then decided to walk around the area where I live. Out of pure boredom, in the middle of the afternoon, I decided to walk to the agincourt library. It was quite possibly one of the busiest libraries I've ever seen. Of course, I've only really seen libraries in London, so I guess I haven't really seen much. After about half an hour of wandering around in the library, I walked over to Agincourt mall and just strolled around and bought a few items. The best part of my afternoon was after the mall. I started walking east for no particular reason. It felt good taking the side streets, it gave me time to just reflect and move away from the hustle and bustle of everything. It felt good to just clear my mind and just reflect. For some reason, when I'm alone in my room, I don't tend to reflect too much except for in my dreams. I think it's mainly because I have too many distractions in my room - cable tv, internet.

I've noticed lately that my attention span is getting shorter and shorter. I seem to be more impulsive lately. Perhaps it's anxiety. Perhaps it's tv. Maybe it's just me.


July 2, 2002
.10:51 PM
The heatwave just won't go away. I've been sweating bullets all day (even in my cube). As it turns out all the other areas in the building have AC blasting away at full blast except my area. It might be that the AC isn't working in our cubicle farm or something. It's been a rough day. Even in the morning, at 8:30AM I was struggling to walk from the king subway stop to sherbourne for work. I made the mistake of venturing out again during lunch to get some money from the bank machine only to experience a beating of a lifetime. Today was one of the rare days I actually enjoyed sitting on the subway and buses because it actually meant that I got to breathe recycled air vs. smog filled thick air. Pick your poison I guess. Enough of my ranting about the weather.

Today I attended a breakfast for new hires at my company. We met up with the head honchos of the company and the other new hires. It was an hour of pure small talking with strangers. Not my idea of a cup of tea but I played along. By about 30 minutes, I started running out of things to small talk about. For a few minutes, we stood looking at each other well aware of how awkward the moment was. Small talking brings out the worst in everyone (even myself) especially when they are forced to do it. Forced laughter, awkward grins, and ass kissing was everywhere. uggh.


July 1, 2002
.11:24 PM
This past weekend was quite possibly one of the most exciting canada day weekends of my life. not because there were spectacular fireworks, but because it was pretty much the first or second time i've ever been to ottawa and montreal. We left toronto early in the morning, taking E's car up to Ottawa. After a brief stop in the morning to get some sunscreen and other things at Walmart, we headed back on the road. Arrived at Thrify rental car at 1:45pm, picked up the Camry, and said bye to E. We went to pick up some of L's friends and then we went grocery shopping for the BBQ the same night. It was weird because I saw Julius in the parking lot. I think both of us were surprised to see each other. We talked for a bit and reminisced about our time working as co-ops in california. how i miss those days.

The next day, we headed to Montreal. We managed to arrive there around lunch time after managing to miss every exit possible along the way. At this point, Brazil had just won the world cup, and the streets were jumping jumping (Destiny's child style) with brazillian fans. We then ate dim sum in chinatown before heading down to the St. Laurent rapids for some white water rafting. It was everybody's first time so we were all pretty stoked about trying it. By the end of the adventure, we were all soaked from head down. With the sun beating down on us, everyone managed to dry off pretty fast. We then walked around old montreal and ate dinner at a mexican restaurant, wandered the streets for awhile, and finally headed up to Mt. Royal before leaving for Ottawa after.

On Canada day we did the typical touristy things like visit museums, and art galleries while the streets were packed with patriotic canadians. Click here to view the photos from the weekend.


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