journal [archive]

July 27, 2003
.12:55 PM
Yesterday afternoon T, Q and i took a road trip out to Niagara Falls. The pics.


July 25, 2003
.5:06 PM
constant reassurance is a sign of weakness.


.7:55 AM
I don't get it. I really don't. How is it that everytime the guy that lives in the room next to me manages to make the inside doorknob of the washroom wet after he's done using it in the morning? I think this guy needs a towel and an instructions on how to wipe his hands. To make matters worse, I've noticed on many occasions where my landlady actually wrapped some toilet paper around the the door knob to dry it. Bitch, this doesn't solve the problem. So I don't know what's worse: a wet doorknob handle or a toilet paper wrapped doorknob. I'm hardly perfect myself, but you guys fucking kill me.


July 24, 2003
.9:56 PM
Get yr subpoenas on! Are you on the list??


July 20, 2003
.11:39 AM
I take back what I said earlier. Not all females are naturally materialistic. A lot of them are and in my haste, I stereotyped.
Sorry J - I know you don't fall in this category.


July 17, 2003
.10:58 PM
So I feel better now. I'm much more relaxed. It was kind of juvenile of myself to get all worked about a single person. The moral of the story - things should never be taken at face value. Is it wise to always look a gift horse in the mouth or stumble into things blindly? This has definitely been a lesson and it's time to move on.

So what else is new? So far this week I'm getting back into the whole gym thing in a hardcore sort of way. Went on monday, wednesday, and today, and i'll likely go again tomorrow. I'm trying to focus mostly on doing weights on MWF and balancing that with some cardio on T and R. On the weekends I plan to get up early (we'll see) and head to the Leacock track to start running for distance. There's nothing better than the feeling of flowing endorphins after a good workout. Hopefully this will balance out my 8 hours of sitting behind a computer at work.

I'm really tempted to sign up for an introductory photography course in september. But as of now, I've asked a few people and there are very few people that are truly interested in this. Perhaps I'll go on my own, but I really do like taking courses with someone- that way I don't feel totally alone.

I've also flirted with the idea of taking a culinary course but my current housing situation doesn't afford me much space to cook up a storm so even if I do take a course, I may not get the opportunity to practice it.

And as always, I'm still searching for more meaning in my life. maybe I need to move. maybe I need to stay. I need another vacation far away.... so I can try to discover more about myself (good/bad).



July 15, 2003
.10:35 PM
Hypocrites always want to play innocent
Always want to take it to the full out extent
Always want to make it seem like good intent
Never want to face it when it's time for punishment
I know that you don't wanna hear my opinion
But there come many paths and you must choose one
And if you don't change then the rain soon come
See you might win some but you just lost one
~ Lauryn Hill.


.12:22 AM
i had to wash myself again to hide all the dirt and pain.
'Cause I'd be scared that there's nothing underneath.


July 14, 2003
.8:46 AM
Here's a recap of the weekend. Went over to S' place to make a cheesecake for Art's bday on friday. We all went to waterpoo on saturday to celebrate. Sunday I missed V's tennis tournament because I slept in.

So why do I feel awkward? Because of mixed signals. Because what may be interpretted by one person as a sign of "like", could quite possibly be interpretted by the other as simply "going out as friends". Mofo, I'm not just another person in line. if there is genuine interest, i need her to prove it to me. I can chase more, but what's point if this is all just games? Funny how things and situations can change so drastically in a few days. But words are strong and they can hurt a lot. So do i let her chase or do i persue this more? But the ultimate question is how do i find out whether someone is genuinely "in like" if they are always really friendly and flirty for the sake of being flirty and nothing more. Of course this depends on a person by person basis. Some people are so hard to read...


July 10, 2003
.11:48 PM
the recurring theme of indecisiveness came up last night when I met up with S to attend summerlicious at hemispheres.

the story goes as follows: i met up with S at the second cup right next to ryerson at 9:15pm. i was a little early so i sort of wandered around for a bit. when i finally spotted her, she spotted me too and she started running towards me in tinyl little steps. she looked good - not too dressy and not too casual but just right. and of course she had a big warm smile on her face that melted my heart. after exchanging hugs we started walking towards hemispheres. and she kept talking about how the chefs that work at ____ are so gaga over her. i'm not sure if it's a ploy to make me feel jealous, but i think she wanted to test my reaction. she told me that she thought of them as friends and wasn't really interested in any of them despite their aggressive stance at trying to "win" her.

so we get to hemispheres, a block west of bay and dundas. from the outside, it appeared as a very nice bistro. while we were waiting to be seated, S ran into an old acquaintance from high school. after the usual small talk nonsense, we were ushered away to our table. we weren't too pleased with the seating choices given to us as they were fairly close to the kitchen. i could tell that S wasn't too happy about it by the look on her face. her friend and her bf were seated AFTER us but they were placed in a nice booth well within the restaurant. i'm still a little unsure as to why we weren't given the choice to sit there.

the service was fast but unfortunately seemed too rushed. the food itself was fairly good despite the fact that S's rib steak contained a lot of tendons and the bread we received was somewhat stale. not wanting to be a shit-disturber, she was very reluctant to complain. so i complained for her, in a tactful way of course. we were presented with new bread and S received another plate only with even more tendons than the previous one. Disappointing. in retrospect, maybe i should have swapped dishes with her but i think she has a weird habit where she doesn't eat anything that someone else has eaten/touched. so what were we to do? send it back a third time?

the place appears to be run by chinese people and the rushed service seems to show. i don't mean to stereotype but i'm sure many can attest to the fact that in general most chinese people are pretty thrifty and cheap. at the end of the meal, S complained to the manager. because of his limited understanding of english, he just kept nodding and smiling and he didn't really pay her any attention. perhaps next time we'll try another restaurant. deep down i felt bad that her food wasn't quite up to par. my rib steak on the other hand was quite good. in hindsight, perhaps we should have went to a different restaurant.

we tried to make the most of it. i think just being around her more than made up for the lack lustre meal. we took our time and just talked about different things. mostly perspectives on life. we both had a little wine and embarassingly i turned really red after a few sips (as is expected).

overally, i would say that it was good seeing her again. i don't mean it in a bullshit sort of way. i really did. the whole evening felt natural and there was nothing forced. we're very different in personalities, but we still manage to get along nicely. and of course, she brought up the point that i mentioned in my previous blog - i need to be more decisive about certain things. take more control. and believe me i'm trying.

so what else? at the end of the night she gave me a tiny box of chocolate/orange cookies that she baked the night before. before heading home, she had me taste one. and truthfully, it actually tasted decent.


July 8, 2003
.1:36 AM
So what's worse - being rejected completely or never being rejected but slowly forgotten about over time?

For the risk adversive, they would think that instant rejection would be worse. After all, if you are slowly forgotten about over time, there really isn't any rejection. It's more like a long drawn out movie about nothing. No fireworks. No special effects. No alarms. Please

But truthfully I think that being rejected completely would be the lesser of the two evils. At least you know how the other person feels about you and there's none of those wishy washy mind games. But with instant rejection comes a bit of hurt but it only lasts for a little while. Then you pick up the pieces and start back at the bottom again.

As a person, I'm trying to be more decisive in the actions I do during the day. I've been finding myself being worried about too many things and I rarely take charge and lead others. This indecisiveness can be perceived as a sign of weakness or lack of character. It can be hard sometimes when I'm trying to please everyone around me. I think starting today I'll be more decisive when presented with options. Go get em tigerrrrrr!




July 3, 2003
.1:45 PM
This morning an indian lady stepped on my toes as she was trying to find a seat on the infamous #17 birchmount. she stepped right on the joint part of my toe. and to make matters worse, i was wearing flip flops. geez such bad luck. I cursed silently and gave her a mean stare just to let her know that she'd stepped on my toes and that i was angrrry. She offered no apologies. No nothing. Heck she didn't even look me in the eye.

The pain didn't seem to go away so looked down at my middle toe to assess the damage that she had done. Aside from the psychological damage, I noticed some minor skin damage caused by her heels of death. And so far it's been hurting like a sonovabitch all day.

I'll probably rub some aloe on it tonight so it heals faster. This soldier will be back in the thick of things tomorrow - braving the #17 - i guarantee it.
Whether I'll be wearing flip flops remains to be seen.


.1:38 PM
This morning an indian lady stepped on my toes as she was trying to find a seat on the infamous #17 birchmount. she stepped right on the joint part of my toe. and to make matters worse, i was wearing flip flops. geez such bad luck. I cursed silently and gave her a mean stare just to let her know that she'd stepped on my toes and that i was angrrry. She offered no apologies. No nothing. Heck she didn't even look me in the eye.

The pain didn't seem to go away so looked down at my middle toe to assess the damage that she had done. Aside from the psychological damage, I noticed some minor skin damage caused by her heels of death. And so far it's been hurting like a sonovabitch all day.

I'll probably rub some aloe on it tonight so it heals faster. This soldier will be back in the thick of things tomorrow - braving the #17 - i guarantee it.
Whether I'll be wearing flip flops remains to be seen.


.12:19 AM
Today was one of those days. A case of the moondays if you will. Sitting in front of a computer screen for nearly 8 hours consecutive put quite a bit of strain on my eyes. And I felt it at the end of the day. I was exhausted. Met up with E for dinner but I wasn't in the mood for talking. And I felt really bad because I was mentally exhausted. I usually have so much to say but today I was in a bit of a blah mood. I'm not sure why though - things are going good, the weather was beautiful. Perhaps it was a lack of sleep. Or maybe it was just my first day back at work since friday and I was still in vacation mode.

Whatever it is, tomorrow is a new day. A fresh start. I missed going to the gym today. But I'll be back tomorrow with a vengence.



July 2, 2003
.11:43 PM
smells like a sausagefest if you ask me. where are the ladies? they're so elusive.

tlo in niagara falls.


July 1, 2003
.11:37 PM
This past weekend was pretty good. I left work on friday and arrived home in London on friday night via the Greyhound (the choice transportation of students, non-drivers, and crack addicts). I made the mistake of sitting next to a very chatty older (non-cougar) woman from quebec. So for most of the trip she kept talking and I kept listening. I would occasionally add my two cents into the conversation - but only if she had asked me a question. Eventually at the half-way point of the trip, she fell asleep and I was greeted with bliss. The rest of the trip to london was quiet and i was able to read my book.

London was okay. My parents seem to be doing well. The new dog has really brought a lot of much needed joy to them. My littliest sister is growing up fast and she has been giving my parents a great deal of problems and headaches of late. My father is thinking of retiring soon but he's not sure whether to retire at 55 or 60. He's worried that if he retires too early that he'll have nothing to do and will become bored.

In talking to my father I can see that he really wants to accomplish more in his life but there are many obstacles in the way. So I'm in a tough situation. I think he should retire and take things easy, but at the same time I don't want him to become bored.

My parents are getting old and I'm getting old. My littlest sister is going to high school next year. Man... time has just flown by. So cliched. But so true. Enjoy every moment of your life I guess.

I arrived back in toronto sunday night. Rather than take the #17 bus, I decided to take the warden bus instead because the 17 only runs once an hour and at the time I just missed the previous one by about 4 minutes. I figured that I'd take the warden bus up to huntingwood and walk 10 minutes to my home. This turned into a horrible mistake. When the bus finally pulled up at the huntingwood intersection, I was greeted with one of the heaviest rain showers I've ever seen in my life. I waited in the shelter. A lady left the bus and ran to the bus shelter.

Not knowing what to do, I cursed and complained about the weather and decided that I would make a run for the shopper's drug mart and hide there until the rain subsided. The lady overherad my comments and asked if she could run with me there. So we ran over there and then she started small talking with me. I wasn't terribly interested in really talking so I muttered one word or two word replies. Then she started asking me about my family. I was like WTF? Do heads get friendly when the rain starts? Anyway, I eventually lost her in the hair care products section and made a run for my home. It was still raining hard but I really wanted to go home.

I ran as hard as I could. I was wearing sandals so I was slipping a little on the wet concrete. But still I ran with confidence. By the time I got to my place, I was drenched with the horrible combination of light sweat and rain water.

I proceeded to shower and then I met up with P to hit up the d'n'b night at milano's which turned out to be a little too intense for my tastes. I went there expecting chill drum' n'bass but what I got instead was a strong dose of some hardcore intense d'n'b action. If it was any more hardcore, it would be considered as jumping as the drill n' bass night at Down One Lounge. (.. a block west from the Ambient Ping). That's the end of sunday.

Woke up early monday morning to board the casino bus to niagara falls to visit my buddy D. It turned out that the lady forgot to ask me to pay for my ticket. When I presented my id, she gave me my ticket and then proceeded to help the next customer in line. At the time I was a little confused. maybe this ride was free? maybe I had to pay on the bus? Anyway, it turns out that I think they goofed so I saved myself the $18 to ride the bus.

So I met up with D around lunch time. We checked out the falls, did some site seeing, some hiking, and talked about life, love, and just a whole lot of goofing around. Finally arrived back in toronto at 8:45pm this evening. Now I'm tired. No fireworks. No surprises. The work week starts tomorrow.



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