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Advice at 4:25am 2001-01-07 07:37:54
by caridwen
obrien: i had the same kind chest cold back 'round Thanksgiving. It turned into pneumona and I almost ended up in the hospital, which would have been bad considering I'd lose it and pop off half a dozen people fifteen mintues after i was admitted.

Anyway, I suggest a few things to help you out and make this go as quickly as possible:

  • 1. When you sleep, prop yourself up into a semi-sitting 45 degree angle postion. this will allow the drainage to slide into your stomach more then your lungs. Also, whatever is in your lungs will cover less space and make breathing easier.

  • Downside: if you do this and only this, chances are you'll vomit phlegm atleast once and you will increase chances of getting pnuemonia.

  • 2. Take a very, very hot shower to break up all the sinus drainage. Breathe in as much steam as you can through your nose, the faster it breaks up the thinner it is. The thinner it is the less likely you'll wake up at some ungodly hour hacking up a lung and both kidneys.

  • Downside: If you don't have a high heat tolerance, you run the risk of passing out in the shower.

  • 3. Go buy some sudafed or some sort of allergy medicine (they have the same active ingredient, so it doesn't matter which you buy). Chances are you're allergic to some sort of mold or mildew growing in your house, maybe you're allergic to dustmites. These things fuck with everything in the winter, and since you're in florida, mold and mildew are a no-brainer. I'd bet money your chest cold started as an allergic reaction.

  • Downside: If I'm wrong and you follow my advice here, you'll turn into a lemur.

  • 4. Don't smoke. Don't drink. Don't go swimming. Don't leave your hair wet after a shower. Don't wear tank tops or small amounts of clothing in a chilly breeze. Don't suck dick. Don't lick pussy. Don't drive. Don't laugh. Don't tell dirty or racist jokes. Don't tell jokes about homosexuality. Don't go out in public only in bubble wrap wearing a pair of underwear as a hat. Don't jump up and down really fast, hopping on one leg, reciting the Bill of Rights backward with one hand over your left eye. Don't spank any monkeys. IF you have to spank the monkey, wash your hands afterwards. Don't try to take over the world with your best friend Pinky (narf!). Don't do any "Hi, I'm Ringo!" British accents. And most importantly, don't rub vicks on your chest unless you gots a fucking video camera!!

  • Downside: Following this advice will remove all the fun out of your life, and make you an internet pornstar at the same time.

Moral of the story:
(Said in a "Hi, I'm Ringo!" British accent)
"I've got to potty!!"