Forums Archive -> Message Board

The reason I exist, revisited 2000-12-24 01:55:40
by marasmus
Baaaaaaaaah. fuckin' baaaaaaaaaaaaah. i'm a fuckin' sheep. Goin' to the mall on December 23rd and buying shit for people. Like every other fucking person in this entire county.

Why are we all (including myself for certain) so stupid that we will knowingly get ourselves in a situation where we will all need to shop on December 23rd, when we already know that everyone else is equally stupid and will be doing the same thing? Why do we put ourselves through this herd-mentality sort of shit?!!?

I don't know. I'm also not in a bitter enough mood to rant. A pretty damn good mood has been present lately, hence the lack of posting (and good ranting). Will someone please hit me with a mack truck so i have a motivation to rant?!? Life's been pretty out-of-balance toward the shiny happy people side lately, and I'm wondering what my personal catch-22 is to keep things neutral. Clue me in.

Back to a bad ranting attempt...

It's Christmas Eve in the Christian world, and the reason I exist is to sit at home instead of work, paid for time not worked by people who seem to appreciate my position more than I do. They actually trust me to keep things sane from home without distruption. What's nice is that I won't be monitoring the network from home during the whole supposedly-Christmas holiday deal, because I know the servers aren't going to break. I get to emit the same amount of laziness on New Year's Eve and New Years Day as well. At least the machines I use are not Windows NT machines running drug-induced software. They're Linux machines running some really poorly-written software, but at least the shit doesn't crash every 15 minutes like my previous employer's junk. Plus, I can restart the software remotely because the kernel never crashes on these machines. It's a better, though somewhat shitty, situation.

Apparently I'm an overpaid, taking-for-granted sellout whitey jackass, because anyone with their head looking at something other than their own colon would realize that things are painstakingly comfortable in my life at the moment. I'm getting over the smoking habit I've had and have been at the one-every-three-days deal for over a month now. I've had I think one drink in the last two weeks as well. Don't give a damn, either. I'm back to that no binge-to-fill thing. It's also very convenient (and life-prolonging). I've got a girlfriend that never ceases to amaze and impress me. A relationship that isn't influenced by any outside strings. The only thing in this list that remotely resembles negativity is the fact that i'm a sellout whitey jackass. I think I can work with that.

I think i'm still suffering from a conflict of solid ideals. I don't think my ideals have changed much from a year ago when I made nearly this same post. I still hate American business, modern lazy society, trendy pharmaceuticals (and their makers), and atop all, The American Syndrome. I still don't treat money as the key to my doors. I still don't believe that a formal education proves anything other than your ability to obey barked commands. I still don't think that the modern trend in society is putting us in a positive future. However, I'm a 9-to-5 worker wearing khakis and holding business meetings as an excuse to bring home a buck. I've just grown a slightly different conflict of solid ideals.

As far as the things I'm looking for... I'm still looking for periodic reviews, raises, and bonuses. I'm over a month overdue for a review, damnit. It's gonna be time to bring on the smack-a-bitchass-up face after this holiday break. I'm still looking to fix security problems... I don't want to be clever these days, though... I'd much rather do it right with a quality shoe in the pants the first time. Now that I'm not the one actually handling the end-user tech support, I'd like to be in an office where I don't have to actively listen to someone giving end-user tech support for 8 hours a day. It's giving me flashbacks to times when I'd wish I could just curbside the next caller while eating bologna sammiches in my underwear.

In other words, a year has brought a helluvalot of change. It has brought about 150 new users to VectorStar. It has brought a slight bit of TaCT and thankfully a better site design. It has brought more reason to exist. It's good to see that things do change when they need to.