|I want to punch KmartCowboy in the face.|
This is really long and boring, unless maybe if you're Kmart or Marasmus. They might know who I'm talking about.|
Oh, yeah, before I start, my ex-b/f Kevin's been calling me a lot lately, which could mean one of two things: Either he wants that 10 bucks he lent to Nicole or he wants to have sex because he hasn't gotten laid in a while. So whatever.
Kmart: Did ya get a black eye? I hope so.. Even though I didn't hit you very hard and it was with a newspaper, it looked like it had some serious shiner potential.
I don't understand why I want to hit Kmart so bad... He just looks at me and I get this urge to stick him in the jaw... I dunno.. I mean, I like him. It's not like he's (too much of) a bastard. I just want to take out all my anger at the world on his pretty lil face.
And I am fucking pissed at the world. Grrr... I went to a show (Blanks 77) that I'd been waiting a month for. And it was cancelled, and I didn't know it. So I ask Katie and she's like, "Duh, it's cancelled." Which was bad enough because I wanted to see them even though I've already seen them at least twice. But also, I had driven my mom's (redMitsubishiEclipse) car and parked it about 5 feet away from Deke. And while Deke's real cute and sweet when he's sober, he was drunk. And he's got a problem with beating the shit out of cars when he's drunk. So I was worried. Not to mention the fact that I was feeling completely out of place because this was *not* how I remember the scene. I'd missed Nick and Nicole so I was basically by myself. I found Katie and Ruby but, well, I don't like them. And Sarah didn't even acknowledge my presence which pissed me off because Sarah and I used to have so much fun in Trig before she went on her punker-than-thou bullshit. Adriana said hey and gave me a hug but then I (whoops) mentioned something about smoking weed which makes me a tree-hugging hippy, damnit. I got to see Lee the Jew which was cool but then Logan made some stupid comment about how my DARE shirt was played out (like bondage pants aren't) and the whole time I was being self-conscious and pissed that I had worn my boots because they suddenly felt stupid with the outfit I was wearing. The irony is
I was at a punk show worrying about my outfit
which really makes no sense and just pissed me off even more. And Matt RetardationStation molested me like in the good ole days but he always does that when he's drunk. So I had a really shitty night. Chick Alex had a party but I don't remember if she hates me or what and Sarah *used* to have my back in the matter until Chick Alex hit Mason, so who knows. I didn't want to go because I felt so out of place anyway.
I can't believe how wierd I felt, like everyone else was so much "cooler" than I was that I was afraid to talk to them. And there were these young itty bitty motherfuckers that I've never seen that probably went to Hot Topic and got their Dogpiles and Exploited shirts and now they're cool. Logan was fucking with one of them because he had a Pukes patch and had obviously never been to a Pukes show. He couldn't even name a Pukes song even though they've got about 30 on their website. That was probably the coolest thing that happened all night. And to top it all off Logan didn't give me my change from the beer run so I couldn't get gas, food, or cigarettes. (Thanks Chevy for the pizza and cigs) I think now I understand why everyone's been dropping out of the scene, because everything's changing. Sarah and Alycia and Adriana were cool about 2 years ago, before they got all tough and too cool for anybody. And Blake disappeared, Ski's been sitting in his house, Zurman's a raver. It just makes me mad because I used to feel like I belonged to something important, like in Ybor at Rancid when everybody was this *holds thumb and forefinger together to demonstrate a tiny amount of space* close to rioting and actually scraped up the cop cars with their belts. They left us alone after that. But now everything sucks and I'm pissed and I don't feel like I belong anywhere but at Chevy's house, *sorta*. I think my self-esteem is so low that I'm paranoid and I just feel like everyone thinks I'm stupid.
I hate myself and I want to die.